31 October 2009


meh meh meh meh meh meh.

Wake up. Eat. Leave school. Realize I don't have shoes or a dress that are appropriate for a funeral. Spend too much time looking for one. Fount it. Eat. Call home. Funeral's tomorrow? What? That's too fast. Visitation's tonight? What? That's too fast. Get home. Shower. Get back in the car. Drive two hours. Visit with family. Eat eat eat eat. Drive to funeral home. Open-casket. Try not to look. Sit in recieving line. "She looks so pretty, doesn't she?" That's not her...she's not the same. "She looks just like you. You have her eyes." Wrong. She had brown eyes. "She looks so peaceful, doesn't she?" Her mouth is stretched so tight...it's not the same. "Are they feeding you up at that school?" Awkward smile, awkward nod. "Your grandmother was a wonderful, beautiful woman." I know. She was. She really was. Go back to Grandparents' house. Eat eat eat eat eat. Drive two hours. Get home. Sleep.

Wake up. Drive two hours. Wait on hearse and limo. Get poked at by great aunts. "Oh, Margaret! We've got to put some weight on these bones!" Ride to the church. Wait for service to start. Walk in. Sit in front row. I can't believe she's in there... Amazing grace, how sweet.... Cry. Watch family cry. Blessed be the tie that binds... Walk out behind her. I still can't believe she's in there. Ride to burial site. Say goodbye... Talk to lots of distant relatives and people I don't know or remember. Ride back to the church. Eat, eat, eat. Go home. Eat, eat, eat, eat. Sleep. Wake up. Eat. Visit friends. Borrow a costume. Consider going to a big party with friends, decide against it. Find four or five friends. Spend Halloween sober, in a basement, on a couch with a great group of people. Five good friends get arrested at the party I almost went to. Eat. Watch malcom in the middle. Laugh. Live.

Love you always.

1 comment:

  1. this is an absolutely beautiful post. please don't disagree. you said it all so perfectly. so perfectly. it reminded me of every wake i have been to and every family member's death i have gone through, and the strangeness and dissociation and focus on certain details and shiftless moving forward and even the tone you captured perfectly.

    i am so sorry you are having to go through this. it's okay that you're eating. please don't worry. you can stop eating again later. for now you have to do what you have to do, right? and if it's eating that's okay. i would hug you right now if i could but you are too many miles away.

    i DID get your email and i loved it so very much and i am so glad you shared!! thank you!! i have been too long in responding because i wanted to share my story too but i haven't had the time to sit down and write it all out. i have half the email written! but to be sure a response is coming! also i would like to write it when i am not hungover as shit (like today) because then it will just be full of dead sentences and not a very enticing story. you see? i will try to send tomorrow. i know you need some cheer so i will see what i can do about that :D

    LOVE and LOVE and LOVE and LOVE !! !

    xx x