24 December 2010

i somehow managed to only eat 640 cals today
280 of them were m&m's
although i burned about 475
so around 170 total today

merry christmas all

22 December 2010

im so confused and my brain is so money
i want to swear off love for good so i can not have to deal with this
i just hate not knowing what i feel
or who i feel it for
god i just hate everything

i did really badly as of food today
704 cals 31g fat
fuck everything

shameless self promotion

new blog

16 December 2010

so a and i are done for good
i ate an entire bowl of cookie dough earlier
i cant get it up
why cant i ever let myself just be happy

14 December 2010

when the fuck will i ever be good enough?

11 December 2010

today i didn't touch food until i ate dinner with a
i ate 153 calories worth of chicken
and a 5 graham crackers and 3/4 of a fortune cookie
coming to a grand total of 264 calories
but my fat intake was ridiculous, 9.1g
today was okay
i went to my friend's poetry reading tonight
he did so well
he wrote about luke, and i tried not to bawl my eyes out
i wish i could have a copy of it, because the last two lines are so wonderful
but anyways
i love you guys
and im tired.
time to go to bed.

10 December 2010

it had to happen sometime
i cant do well with my eating for this long and not have a binge
fuck christmas parties and all your sweets
but yeah
my roommate is here, so i cant purge or exercise
fucking kill me
i feel disgusting
i need to get rid of this
fuck fuck fuck

09 December 2010

good intake day today,
well calories-wise anyway the food itself was junk
everything else was kinda just shit
except for my painting class that is never really shit
but its cold as hell
all i want to do is sleep
sleep sleep sleep

d- easy mac, 220, 3g
s- 1/2 oatmeal cookie, 73, 4.1
32 min pilates, -89
total: 204, 7.1g

love, margie

07 December 2010

god i hate hunger pains
but thanks to my new best friend the diet pill, my appetite is nonexistant
im nice and alert
i feel on top of the world
but so fat that i might fall right through the floor
and keep falling until i hit that lava
and melt away forever
i just dont get how i could feel so good but so horrible at the same time
im confused.
today i rediscovered the joys of chewing and spitting.
oh. my. god.
i am in heaven(hell)

06 December 2010

im just so tired
i can hardly sit or speak
if only i could sleep for the rest of this year
just go back into hibernation
until everything is over
i ate so little, and exercised so much yesterday
im achey and moody
i still have homework to do and i have class in thirty minutes
so much apathy
too much to handle

04 December 2010

a and i are taking a break
ten months
ten months
im sorry im crazy
im sorry i cant communicate
im sorry i asked too much of you
im sorry
this is all my fault
so they called. and all they asked me was if i had any questions.
i said i didnt really have any.
crisis averted. thats me for ya, freaking out over nothing like that.

in lighter news, i only ate 430 cals and 8g fat yesterday, and my roommate has been bringing me diet pills. they work like a dream. they don't make me too shaky, but they give me a little pep, and they make me not want to eat. its great.

b-diet coke, 0
l- 3/4 wrap, 1 tsp honey mustard, 208, 4.12g
d- 3/4 hummus sandwich, sugar free jello, 158, 3.75g
s- 4 now and laters, 52.8, .04g


03 December 2010

for some reason two days ago i called an inpatient treatment center
i dont know what came over me
theyre going to call me this afternoon

im too fat for treatment anyways
im gargantuan.
theyll probably just laugh when i say "five feet two inches, one hundred and four pounds"
thats too fat for treatment

i dont know what to do or what to say

i dont want this
i dont want to get better
im not ready to admit defeat
im not ready