17 October 2009

Manic Manic Manic Manic Manic

I'm really on the verge of having a panic attack. I feel terrible from eating. Food makes me physically ill. But I want more. I want more. My appetite is comepletely insatiable. But I can't have more. My mind is screaming, and so is my stomach and it's this terrible dissonance thats about to rip my eardrums apart and make my heart explode.
I'm shaking all over and I want to crycrycry but I can't because one can always tell I've been crying for the next three hours and I have stuff to do.
I just want to curl up and hibernate forever. If I do that I'll never eat again.
I want to eat. I don't want to eat. I want to eat the whole fucking world. I don't want to eat the whole fucking world.
I've already gained three pounds. It's probably food weight.
Love you always,


  1. oh Margie it's ok! of COURSE you are panicking. and it is food weight.

    here is an idea: what if you sit down with a friend and make up a little food schedule about what to eat when? that way you will feel in control and you can have times (in between eating) where you are not eating and not eating the entire world. you should eat like 6 small meals a day so you do not feel so horrible and gross and ill. if you have a meal plan it will help. if you ask a friend to help you it will help too. if you eat too much at once you will just go back to starving again, and that is not what we want here!!

    also, do you run? running is wonderful because it allows you to eat more because you know you are burning it off and it increases your appetite for healthy foods (and you feel ok about this because you know you are burning some of it off). i LOVE to run. i ate so much pizza and cookies yesterday and it was horrific and i ran this morning and am feeling great.

    ok? i love you. do not panic. you are okay. get some help from friends. they want to see you eat so they will help gladly. get a meal plan/schedule. you will feel in control again.

    LOVE LOVE LOVE you can do this!


  2. I'm so sorry. I don't know what to say, or if saying would even help. I love you, I'm here for you.