21 February 2010

I Miss Thin

It's funny. I say I miss thin, but I can't seem to control myself enough to get it back. If you miss it so damn much, why don't you fucking quit eating?!?!?!?!?! I need some major thinspo.

17 February 2010


I'm sick with some god awful cold, and me being me, I took much too much cold/cough/flu/achey/what-have-you meds. I talked about snakes and the queen of England and R2D2 for like an hour last night with A, who was thoroughly enjoying himself, before I passed the fuck out and slept like a ROCK. Damn cough syrup.
But I haven't consumed anything other than liquids and pills today. Huzzah. Yay for sick restricting. Also, my physchiatrist prescribed me sedatives for my anxiety. I don't know how I feel about that. I just want thin.
My thoughts are quite scattered today. If you can't tell.

16 February 2010

Reese's Binge.

I'm waking up to one of thos awful late-night binge hangovers, where you can still taste the candy in the back of your throat, and it's too late to throw it all up. I got all manic yesterday around dinnertime, and I think I ate too much there. I can't really remember. Why can't I restrict like I used to?!

15 February 2010


I was gone for a while, because I though things might be getting better, maybe. Things in all aspects of my life are getting better, except for my weight. I AM A FUCKING WHALE. I'm 103 pounds of nasty, disgusting, jiggly fat that shows through all of my clothes and screams to the world, "IM DEPRESSED AND HAVE BEEN BINGE EATING I HAVE NO CONTROL OF MY LIFE THUS I EAT AND EAT AND EAT AND EAT TO MAKE MYSELF FEEL BETTER"
But it hasn't made me feel better. At all. It's made me gigantic. And very unhappy. I miss being that little waif of a thing that couldnt keep her tiny pants up. The one who could be blown around in the breeze, like a little flower.
So it's time to get some fucking self control.
I started restricting again today, and won't be eating over 500cal a day any more.
Fruit for breakfast, half a sandwich for lunch, and salad for dinner.
A total of 284 calories.

But I do have news. There's a new boy (I feel like theres always a new boy...which makes me feel like one of those girls who's like, 'ooohh new bf, i love him so much lol!' but I promise Im not. At least I hope I'm not.) I did move on from W pretty fast, but that whole relationship was just kind of a joke, now that I look at it. He was just trying to get in my pants. And he couldn't do that from an hour and a half away. So he slept with some other girls.
Oh, well. Let's move on, shall we? Yes, let's move on to new boy, A. He is pretty damn awesome. And he's comitted, he cares about me, he wants to make me happy. And doesn't care about getting into my pants. I'm pretty sure that he actually likes me. Hopefully. Who knows. But I'm sticking with this one, and hopefully he's sticking with me. AND he's absolutely wonderfully nerdy. He made me a valentines card that said, "I've found the droid I'm looking for!" which made me smile. He's a catch. Let's hope this works.

Love you always.