Final day of fasting.
I'm hungry; I'm hungrier than I've ever been, but food, even just the way it looks, is disgusting to me right now. I could hardly choke down a glass of water at breakfast today.
While we were walking to breakfast, I realized that he has changed with the season. There's something about him that's different; I can't put my finger on it. I'm not sure if I like it.
We were sitting at our usual table outside, surrounded by the cold, the beautiful, wonderous magical cold. I was shivering violently.
"Want some waffle?"
I shook my head no.
"You sure?"
Again, I shook my head.
"What about some grapes? Or pineapple?"
"No, I'm fine."
"You'd be warmer if you ate every now and then. I haven't seen you eat since...I don't even remember when."
He looked at me with those eye of his, those piercing blue eyes. The ones that look right into me, look right through me sometimes, searching me throughout. They break through my shell and read me. They see every flaw; they point it out. They tell me I'm sick. They know that I'm sick.
"Please, Margaret. Just eat a bite."
"I'm fine. I'm fine. I'll be okay; just don't worry about it, okay?"
Please. Please stop worrying about it. There's nothing you can do.
I look sick. My cheekbones protrude, and I feel like my eyes have become sullen. My skin is greying. You can see the blue outlines of my veins in my hands, my arms, my hips, my face. I feel sick. I'm so incredibly weak. I can hardly make it up a flight of stairs; I'm always headache-y and dizzy. My fingernails and toenails are blue. I'm cold, no matter what I do. My hair is falling out. I'm getting lanugo on my back and face. I am sick.
I have let this disease take over me. But I don't want it to leave me either. I won't let it.
I am truly afraid of what might happen to me.
My parents are coming up this weekend. They won't be happy.
Love you,
Margie.
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:( :( :( end the fast lovey. you don't want all your hair to fall out. how are you gona break the fast? maybe just be vegan for a few days while you're body gets used to food again.
ReplyDeleteoh oh you are wonderful and i wish i could take it all away and what i really wish is that it were that easy! we are thin and we don't know it, we are sick but we think we're invincible, we think we will be beautiful and all we will be is sickly, ugly, nothing.
ReplyDeletei know what this hunger feels like. i am a raving, ravenous beast but there's not a chance i'll eat one thing before tomorrow morning. i know this is not wise but i will be doing it anyway. and i will find it hard to feed myself again tomorrow.
i would like you to just be able to eat some things every now and then. i would like you to be able to pick a number that you rationally know is thin even if you don't feel thin, and then stay there. i would like to tell you this is easy but for me it's going to be the biggest challenge of my life thusfar.
i think there is a way of maintaining the ED without being terribly unhealthy and also without having to give it up. i don't think it's all or nothing. it's about sitting down and rationally figuring out how to maintain both and then when they crazy part takes over, trusting that the rational side knew what it was doing with all that planning.
for instance. i am 97.0 as of this morning and i had told myself originally that i would never get below 97 (well, originally it was 104, then 99, then 98... so you see i am also failing at this), but i also know that anything below 100 for my height is in everyone else's definition THIN, and sometimes i see it in the mirror. and when i don't, like this morning when i looked at my fatty thighs, i honestly had to tell them to shut the fuck up, went and put on loose pants, and drank a diet Coke and vowed to blatantly ignore them. because we will never look thin enough. and if we do not eat enough we will always be miserable. that is actually chemically and biologically true.
so can we work on maintaining? on being just generally fucked up about food and not totally anorexic? maybe? maybe for one day?
UMMM, who am i to tell you what to do, anyway???? sorry. le cerveau d'Anise est dans la poubelle due to FASTING and eating next to nothing for a week.
so, i don't know.
i am reading Marya Hornbacher's other book right now about bipolar, but it's making me think about Wasted, and the way she decided to recover. i find her reasoning to be the most sane and achievable and reasonable out of all the strategies that people offer up. so maybe go read that book again (or at least the end) and see? because i don't want you to be miserable, whether that means getting sicker or better or hovering somewhere in between.
you are LOVED and you are BEAUTIFUL and you are, despite everything, THIN.
LOVE LOVE LOVE xx xx
Margie, I know how horribly hypocritical of me this will sound but I want YOU to EAT. I have just been catching up on your blog, and I saw the picture you posted of your self & also of your torso. I only have two words for you - Beauty & Perfection - but I can assure you, you will lose both these wonderful qualities if you continue to fast and/or get any smaller.
ReplyDeleteI am all for being FLAWLESS & girl you have gotten there, you deserve a medal, seriously! But you will lose your beauty & maybe even your life if you continue. Please eat something girl, I am not saying go & gorge on 12 cheeseburgers, but EAT, be healthy, be perfect & LIVE!
Much Love Louise! x