31 January 2010

Oh, Icy.

Yesterday, the world was covered in ice and snow, everything was slick. It was wonderful.

I went sledding for the first time in s very long time. I love the cold. Im looking out my window, and everything still a giant ice cube.

I had a wonderful day. We Ran around, slipped and slid, drank too much coffee, ate too much chilli, and watched too much starwars (but I wasn't complaining.) It was wonderful.

29 January 2010


It's six o clock and beginning to snow. I'm inside alone, looking for a dress for a stupid dance that I didn't get asked to. I want to be outside, playing in the snow like the rest of them. I have no one to go with.

27 January 2010

Something I Can't Seem to Understand

She asks me, "Why can't he just be faithful to me?" He has feelings for another girl. He doesn't show them, but she knows it. I feel bad for her, but its hard too. She gets with other guys at parties, she talks about all the boys that are better than he is, how much he drives her crazy, how much she likes a few other boys. It drives me nuts. She isn't faithful to him either.
She really doesn't understand how lucky she is. She has everything. She can pick and choose. She gets what she wants when she wants. But she still complains about it all. It doesn't make sense to me. I'm ready to snap.

25 January 2010

So I Officially Hate Men

Especially ones who dump you via text out of absolutely fucking no where, without any real fucking explanation.
Jesus fucking Christ.

24 January 2010

Trying Something New

I realized that I'd never really tried a set diet, like ABC or anything. So I went out and looked for one, and I found one I like, and I think I can follow it. It's called the staircase diet, and it goes like this:
Day 1: 1300 calories
Day 2: 1200 calories
Day 3: 1100 calories
Day 4: 1000 calories
Day 5: 900 calories
Day 6: 800 calories
Day 7: 700 calories
Day 8: 600 calories
Day 9: 500 calories
Day 10: 400 calories
Day 11: 300 calories
Day 12: 200 calories
Day 13: 100 calories
Day 14: 0 calories
Day 15: 100 calories
Day 16: 200 calories
Day 17: 300 calories
Day 18: 350 calories
Day 19: 400 calories
Day 20: 450 calories
Day 21: 500 calories
Day 22: 550 calories
Day 23: 600 calories
Day 24: 650 calories
Day 25: 700 calories
Day 26: 750 calories
Day 27: 800 calories
Day 28: 850 calories
Day 29: 900 calories
Day 30: 950 calories
Day 31: 1000 calories
Day 32: 1050 calories
Day 33: 1100 calories
Day 34: 1150 calories
Day 35: 1200 calories
Day 36: 1250 calories
And I think I might just be able to stick to this one. Im starting it today. AND today I get to wallow around in 13oo GLORIOUS calories. Which is exciting, since I'm such a fat ass.
I'm trying to figure out what all I can cram into this limit. Its like trying to figure out how many lovely shoes you can shove into your suitcase to go on vacation. Like a game.

23 January 2010

Starting to Improve.

Things are getting a little teeny bits easier as days go on.
I'm still stuck in my need for comfort food, especially in the mornings. I've dreamt about him since Tuesday. Theyve all been this recurring nightmare about seeing his lifeless body everywhere, finding it in all these different places. Except for the dream I had last night. I dreamed that I was at the beach, and that he came and knocked on the door of my beach house. I got really angry at him, and yelled at him for tricking all of us into thinking that he had died. He just laughed and said he couldn't believe all of us had fallen for it. I tried to hug him, but I woke up then. I was crying. I wanted the dream to be real so badly. I sent him a message about it, which is stupid, I know. But I miss him.
Starting restricting again tomorrow.

20 January 2010


Luke's funeral was yesterday. You should have seen all the people there. So many people loved him. There were times that I couldn't do much else but sob. W held my hand, and tried to hide his own crying, I guess to stay strong. I told him he could cry in front of me.
It's finally starting to hit me that I'm never going to see him again, that he's gone forever. The shock of it all is subsiding, and is being turned into grief. They buried him today at 11:30 this morning. He's already in the ground.
I'm at school again, and everyone's being so supportive. I only know a few other people here who knew him, but I don't know how close they were to him.
My eating has been atrocious. It's all been comfort food. I'm so frustrated.

19 January 2010

You Are My Sunshine, My Only Sunshine.

His nickname was Sunshine. He was sunshine, everything about him.
I found an old video, from about five years ago. I don't know who took it. But, it made me laugh so hard. I remember Luke perfectly then, and he was exactly the same five years later, just about a foot taller, and his voice a few octaves deeper. I decided to share it with you guys, it's such a cute video.

Our Lukey Dukey, our Sunshine boy.
No one's ever gonna forget that kid.

16 January 2010

Coming to Terms

Today, it rained. It was almost cliche.
We all spent the day together because none of us wanted to be alone. We mostly talked, shared all our memories about Luke. It was funny. He was such a funny guy. It's almost hard to feel sad when you think about what he was like, all the times we had together.
We ordered in from his favorite restraunt.
During lunch, a bird flew into one of the windows of the house we were in. She was a cardinal, a pretty little bird. Her neck broke on impact. All of us went outside. One of us brought a washcloth and held her while she died, so she wouldn't be alone. She chirped a few times, four I think, and then, she was gone. We buried her in the back yard by the fence. All of us cried.
Life is dust, fragile and momentary.
It's here for a second,
and then, it's gone.
Unlike dust, life leaves things behind. Amazing things that last forever.

15 January 2010

Quote Unquote

For death is no more than a turning of us over from time to eternity.
~William Penn

The Loss of Another Friend.

Tonight, one of my oldest friends was killed in an accident.
I don't know why God chose to take him. It's so weird the way these things work. I called him at around one today to see if he wanted to hang out sometime this weekend. He said sure. He went hunting with another guy, some guy I don't know as well. He was shot in the back of the head. He was comatose for a few hours and then died. He was just eighteen.
I don't know why these things happen. First Blair, now Luke.
It just doesn't make sense.

14 January 2010

Good Day.

427. Things are improving.

13 January 2010


I already fucking broke regimine. It's been what, like two hours?
I had fucking pasta. Bright side- it was 111 cals, but still. This is what I've been doing.
I'm probably brushing just over one hundred right now.
I am very frustrated to say the least.


Self-control, why have you left me? Where did you go? We used to be the best of friends. Now you're gone, and I am fat.
I just keep ballooning up, my clothes all fit again, my boobs have gotten enormous (I don't really mind that, except for the fact that my boobs are the last place I gain weight) and my thighs are disgusting and jiggly and WAY too close to touching.
I am a fucking cow.
SO. It's time for me to quit being a lazy fatass, and stop eating and maybe start exercizing.
This is my new regemine:
Breakfast- Protein bar (160)
Lunch- Small salad and sandwich or soup (all under 100)
Dinner- Small salad and veggies, sandwich, soup, or sushi (all under 200)
If I can stick to that, I won't get over five hundred. My problem lately hasn't really been meals, it's been snacks. I need to keep myself busy and full of enough liquid to keep from snacking. Any tips on that matter would be amazing.
Love you always,

10 January 2010


Haning a much better day today, eating wise. Two protein bars, and sushi later, coming to a total of about 508. It's much better than I've been doing recently.

Thanks so much for the the support all of you have been giving me. It means so much.

09 January 2010


Binged again today. It was the first thing I did when I woke up. Ate a half a bag of Reese's. I feel nasty. W was supposed to come and visit me today, but his car wouldn't start this morning. It's going to be another day alone.

08 January 2010

Thing to do Alone.

Watch "The Hangover." Finish "The Hangover." Text. Wait for response. No response. Open can of soup. Find a seemingly clean bowl. Pick out a strand of roomate's hair. Gag. Wash bowl. Pour soup into clean bowl. Walk downstairs to use microwave. Listen to "UP" being played in the recroom next door. Ding. Walk upstairs with soup. Eat soup. Wash bowl again, while humming the theme from "UP." Put Bowl away in drawer under the bed. Sit under the bed for a spell. Stack things. Two jars of nutella. Four boxes of protein bars. The jars of peanut butter. Six packs of ramen, oriental flavor. Try to imitate Zooey Deschanel's beautiful singing. Two boxes of oreos. Two packs of diet coke. One bag of marshmellows. Get bag of marshmellows. Lie on back in bed. Eat a few. Make gooey blobs of marshmellow goo between thumbs and forefinger. Suck on marshmellow, and throw it onto the ceiling. Repeat. Repeat. Repeat. Repeat. Watch them fall like the snow that fell a few times this week but never cancelled school. Clean bed. Glower at the ever growing pile of clothes and other various and sundry items that live in my desk chair. Get back in bed. Six thirty. Close eyes. Breathe.

So Far

My ToDo list is only halfway getting done. I'm working more, and trying my best not to smoke more, but not very successfully, so I'm smoking more, which is bad. But what's worse is that I'm only eating a little less. And I binged yesterday, dammit. If anyone has anywords of wisdom, they'd be greatly appreciated.

05 January 2010

To Do.

  • Eat less.
  • Smoke more.
  • Work more.
  • Exercise more.
  • Lose weight.
  • Get thin.

Everything Is Turning into Shit

Someone told me that I didn't look "disgustingly skinny" like I did before the break.
I have got to stop eating. Christ.

04 January 2010

Le Fardeau.

I hate it when Eric gets into my business about eating. We were eating lunch together today, and I was doing really well. I was perfectly content with my veggie burger patty and my pretty little salad. That is, until a girl sat down near us with a veggie burger and curly fries, my arch nemesis. That's when the shit hit the fan, and it only took one sentence: God, those fries look good. Then Eric looked up at me and said, "Then get some." I insisted that I was okay, I was too lazy to get up, and finally, I accidentally said that my fat ass doesn't need them. Eric gave me one of those oh-god-dont-be-getting-into-this-shit-again-now-youve-given-me-right-to-be-suspicious looks. That's when he got up and got them for me, put them down in front of me and waited for me to eat. And naturally, as soon as I started I couldn't stop.
In a way, I feel like a terrible person for being angry, because I know that I really do worry him with my eating, and with his dad being so sick now, I don't want him to have to have another thing to worry about. I feel like I'm such a burden sometimes, to my family and my friends. I hate doing this to them, and I wish I didn't worry them and hurt them with this, but I can't stop. I won't stop.

03 January 2010

I Hate Goodbyes and Hospitals.

I really, really hate them. Everyone says theyre going to visit soon, I hope they will. I'm getting lunch with W for his birthday today. It's Eric's birthday today too.
His dad was admitted to the hospital last night because he ruptured an artery in his stomach. We're all so worried. His dad is like a second dad to me. I talked to Eric on the phone earlier today, and he sounded really upset. I hope for Eric and his mom that he'll be okay. I just keep telling myself he's going to be.

02 January 2010

That Was Embarrassing.

Just disregard that last post, I'll be sitting in my own self-loathing and dissapointment feeling like absolut (get it? It's a pun! Oh, I just crack myself up.) poo.

01 January 2010


It's weird. Things are getting better, I must say. I leave the day after tomorrow, so I can restrict again. I have a guy who seems to care about me, something I thought was impossible. But I still can't seem to get myself happy.
Anise- I saw Him at Subway on New Year's eve, while I was getting dinner with W. And for the first time in a really long time, I didn't want to run, or cry. It was weird. And he said hello to me, and smiled, of all things. He acted like I was a person. Which was also weird. Maybe I;m the weird one, not him. Oh well.
I stayed sober last night, which was a small miracle. I was kind of like the drunk man wrangler, keeping all those silly boys in line. I will never understand why men prefer to pee in bushes when they're fifteen feet away from a real bathroom. I think it's gross.
I really don't have much else to say.
Happy New Year lovelies.
Love you always,