So, my mom came up for dinner tonight. She's here in the city for the night.
The first thing she did was comment on my declining weight...it came up in conversation quite a few times. It was really awkward and uncomfortable and I wanted to cry the whole time.
She and I went to a fusion place, they serve Mexican and Japanese food. I had a mexican salad consisting mostly of fruit and salsa and lettuce and beans. I skipped the sour cream and the guac. It was one of those gigantic numbers, where the waiter comes out with a whole platter full of salad and expect you to feel healthy after eating all five hundred calories of it.
I ate half of it.
My mom watched me carefully while I ate; I think she did more watching me eat than actually eating. I tried my best to eat like a normal person. The last thing I want is to be put into some god-forsaken clinic.
It was really painful, expanding my stomach that much after having it be completely empty for nearly five days. It still really hurts. I told myself I wouldn't purge.
I tried to as soon as I got back, of course. I broke down curled up around the toilet.
I couldn't make it come up.
So, I went to the gym and worked out for an hour. I spent an entire forty five minutes, half crying from disgust, pain, and the number I saw on the scale, on the eliptical and fifteen doing my abs. Do you know how hard it is to run on the eliptical machine and cry at the same time? The saddest part is that I didn't even try to stop crying because I'm convinced it burned more calories than just ellipticals alone.
I'm eating lunch tomorrow with my mom. Please wish me luck.
And- thank you all so much for the support and love. I can't tell you all how touched I was to get all your sweet comments. I love you all very, very much! You're amazing, truly.
I'm trying hard to get myself a little more healthy...but I don't know. I feel disgusted with myself about how self destructive I am sometimes, yet I can't stop. I'll never be thin enough.
I'm still a bloated mess.
Food:
b- 0
l- 0
d- mexican salad(223)
e- weights and ellipical (-265)
total: -42
Love you,
Margie.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
the mexican salad is ok! don't worry! one or two meals will not make you fatter. really really. i am serious. you have been in deficit of like 2000 calories every day for the last five days. you are at your thinnest weight ever.
ReplyDeletehow about: don't worry about eating this weekend with your mom and then do a one or two day juice fast after she leaves? because the food you put in you in the next two days will not be real weight, only food weight, and the juice fast will get rid of that quickly and you'll be back to where you were. i PROMISE it works like that. i ate non-stop for two weeks solid and did a three-day juice fast afterwards and was back at the same weight i was before i left. so two days of eating is nothing!!
i am lying here trying to very hard to concentrate on things but i am SO FUCKING HUNGRY and all i can think about is cupcakes and burritos and cheese and cake and donuts and cupcakes and burritos and brownies and i want to die and i am so so so terribly afraid to end this fast...! i have an unavoidable massive-food-consumption-filled Sunday coming up and i am nearly crying thinking about it. but i am so HUNGRY! piece of shit.
we can never win.
but please note that your mom is obviously very worried about you and if you are able to eat ok tomorrow at lunch then it will make her feel much better. and maybe get her off your back? and then juice fast and you are back to where you were.
you are LOVELY
you are AMAZING
i could never have done this fast without you
don't worry about lunch tomorrow, you can do it. your metabolism needs it. ok?
LOVE and LOVE and LOVE and LOVE xx x