11 October 2009


Help, I have done it again.
I have been here many times before;
I hurt myself again today,
and the worst part is there's no-one else to blame

There's a voice. It tells me:
Eat. Eat until you can eat no longer, until there is no physical way possible for you to swallow another morsel. This is the last time you will eat for a while.
So I do. I eat until I am gagging with every bite of food that passes through my greasy lips. I eat meringue until there is a sickly-sweet, foamy film that coats my mouth; I eat pickles until my mouth burns from an excess of vinegar. I sit on my bed with crumbs around my mouth, loathing myself and food.

I really don't know what I'm going to do with myself. I'm stuck in a cycle of bingefastbingefastbingefastbingefastfastbingecleansesmallbingefastfatfatfatfatfatfat
I wish I wasn't able to taste. I wish that it was excruciating for me to consume solid foods. I wish I didn't have heaps of fat swallowing me whole. I wish I could look in the mirror and see thinthinthin instead of what I see instead. I wish I could break this cycle and go back to just restricting. I wish just restricting were enough. I wish I was strong.

No food tomorrow, or the next day, or the next day, or the next day.

I have lost myself again,
lost myself, and I am nowhere to be found.
I think that I might break;
I have lost myself again and I feel unsafe

Love you.


  1. I know that voice. I hate it.

    Funny, though - it hasn't whispered in my head in a month or two. I'm crossing my fingers. I don't know how I'll cope if/when it comes back. I think I'll crumple up and cry. I don't think I can take it coming back after a break, since it was bad enough just having the voice all the fucking time anyway.

    So sorry, dear. Bulimia sucks major fucking ass.


    are you still panicking? of course you are. WELL, STOP. so you can listen to me.


    ok. restricting and bingeing/fasting go in CYCLES. it's absolutely true. i know you feel like you will binge and fast forever, but it WILL cycle round again and you will find that better place of restricting again soon. PLEASE DO NOT DESPAIR! i know you know this but your body is eating for a reason. and YOU ARE A TINY BONY SKINNY-PANTS! which i can say with authority because i saw your pictures. you can not believe me all you want--i get it, i wouldn't believe you if you told me that either--but please do believe me about the cyclical nature of b/f and restricting. ok? you WILL cycle back. you will get on top of this thing again. just be patient, ok?

    also, do you have access to SmartWater? or other electrolyte water? because that shit is THE SHIT. whenever i am feeling like desperately needing to eat even though i am not necessarily hungry or just ate, or whatever, it ALWAYS helps. turns out my electrolytes are just a little out of whack. so go find SmartWater and drink a whole Liter! that's right! an entire liter! and then lie down (getting up is not advisable in this case) for a while and read a book or whatever and you will be evened out again soon and not (as) hungry.

    LOVE LOVE LOVE do not despair, little skinny-pants with the gorgeous pink bra! xoxox xoxo