October 2008. I was roughly 118-122lbs. Everything I wore was pretty tight, almost to the point of being too small. I didn't really care though. I still felt good with myself. I carried myself confidently; shoulders back, head held high, strutting. I could look at myself in the mirror and toss my gorgeous, thick, never-been-dyed hair around and smilesmilesmile.
October 2009.I am roughly 93-90 lbs. Everything I wear is too big and baggy, even though it fit me not too long ago. I care. Alot. I want those clothes to get baggier, looser. I don't feel good with myself. My walk is like a cross between a crackhead and an old woman's; back hunched, gaze directed downward or to nowhere in particular, shuffling along quickly and aimlessly. I look at myself in the mirror, brush the thinning, dulling hair away from my eyes, poke, pull and prod at various bulges that may or may not exist and glare.
glareglareglare.
Love you always,
Margie.
ps. sorry for being a whiny, self-sorry bitch for these past few days.
wow darling, what happened? i mean obviously other than the obvious. what? shit i am feeling like shit and eating skittles which is making my shit a tangible thing to feel like shit about and clearly i am distracted and probably confusing you. me too. sorry.
ReplyDeletei want to know what happened. why you are this way now. will you tell me? aniseismadeoflight@gmail.com. only if you want to.
xx x
its a contradiction, isn't it?
ReplyDeleteyou do this thinking it will make whatever snapped in your mind go back to how it was and it NEVER does.
you get to your goal, and it isn't enough, so you go further and further out of reach to the point of no return.
i see your body and think so many things .. beauty, grace, creativity, power .. but then there emerges pain, frustration, disappointment and aggravation. I am sorry you feel lost and inconsolable, but there is ALWAYS an option. learning to deal is part of life and it is never a pain-free ride.
xxobeezaa
Hey, it's fine. We get to be bitches, and I didn't think you were anyway, so you still get to be.
ReplyDeleteYou look good, by the way. I still look the fucking same as last year and year before than and the year before that and before that. (I've had an ED for three years, now, and haven't lost a pound to my name - WTF?)
Feel better.