04 October 2009

But Bricks Break and Crumble.

Today, I am falling apart.

I binged last night. I ate everything. I was out of control. I couldn't purge, they were too many people around. I'm so unbelievably angry at myself. I'm having urges to revert back to old habits; the old habits that at one point in my life almost killed me. Things can't fall apart. They just can't.
Roommate asks during my binge:
"How the hell do you stay so skinny when you eat all the fucking time?!"
I looked at her, with one of those "if looks could kill..." looks. I was angry at myself, at her, at the world.

Why do I do this to myself?! Why do I binge? Why am I cursed to be an eternal fatass?
I need to fast. I miss it. I want to feel that lightness, that beautiful emptiness.

I had a dream last night about weighing myself. I weighed 122 again, like I did back in February. I was screaming and crying and shaking and hitting the scale with my fat little fists. I was doing the things I used to do back in February, only this time I think I did die. I remember crumpling on the bathroom floor and everything going black. And then it was gone. Everything was gone.

So the two-day juice fast starts today, thank God.

I'll be thin again soon enough.

Love you,
Margie.

1 comment:

  1. same. same. i want to die. i am so disgusted and shamed. my friend kept remarking about my fast metabolism after the fourth cupcake. and now my cats are pulling the cupcake wrappers out of the trash as if to mock me.

    so i am with you on the modified-fast. i am cutting out sugar, which is like a fast for me.

    someday we will not be disasters. we are better than that. someday.

    xoxo

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