23 December 2009
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There are somedays I think I'm going crazy cause I hear him so much. He keeps telling me how I'm shit, how it will never work out. I saw a picture of him today and it tore right through me like his bass last night. He had that look, the one he used to give me when he didn't yell, but he used that low voice that he uses in my head, the one that scares me so badly. The caption on the picture was, like the devil has your hand. I don't know what to do or who to believe.
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1. believe that you're NOT shit. no matter what he says. if a girl you don't know from across the country can tell you with finite certainty that you're NOT shit, then it's true. you are amazing and wonderful IN SPITE OF and WITHOUT him and BECAUSE he is not in your life anymore.
ReplyDelete2. you must imagine David Bowie and Jennifer Connolly and say this to yourself over and over until you believe it: "You have no power over me." because he doesn't. not one bit of power over you.
3. it is such shit to see a photograph because it all comes rushing back, but that's all it is. a slip of shiny paper with an outdated image on it. it is not really him. that voice in your head is not really him. it is a shadow, an echo, a ghost, and YOU ARE STRONGER THAN THAT. he is shit. you know that. he's out in the world, don;t let him be in your head too! wrap yourself in whatever makes you happy and christmasy - family, friends, cuddly sweaters, bright lights, snow, blogger, whatever. it's christmas and he has no place in your life any longer. YOU HAVE NO POWER OVER ME. YOU HAVE NO POWER OVER ME. tell you what, go watch Labyrinth. david bowie cures everything :D
but seriously, you are the most lovely and amazing girl i have ever not-met! you are beautiful at 120 lbs and you;re beautiful at 90 lbs and you cannot, cannot let him destroy you like this. i want to shake you so hard until the last vestiges of him fall out and scream, curdling, in the grass. i want to take you to a meadow where he cannot exist. there are places in the world like that and you just have to find them. the more you do it the stronger you will be. so find one now! family/friends/blanket/book/blogger/movie/christmas tree/lights/sweaters/stuffed animals/WHATEVER it is that makes you happy - wrap up in it and hold it tight and squeeze him out. ok?
i love you, you are stronger than you know
xx x
Anise is right. Margie, I love you. God has blessed us so much with someone like her who is so ferociously attacking the evil in our heads. God bless her. I wish I had more words for you, but I don't, only love in my heart, but please - know it's here...
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