03 December 2010

for some reason two days ago i called an inpatient treatment center
i dont know what came over me
theyre going to call me this afternoon

im too fat for treatment anyways
im gargantuan.
theyll probably just laugh when i say "five feet two inches, one hundred and four pounds"
thats too fat for treatment

i dont know what to do or what to say

i dont want this
i dont want to get better
im not ready to admit defeat
im not ready


  1. see what they have to say. see what happens. but, it is going to be alright, xo

  2. sometimes i feel like i have multipul personalities, there's the me that's dedicated to being thin, and then sometimes "healthy me," as my psychologist call it, takes over. it's so weird..

    anyway, hang in there lovely <3

  3. i got your email and was so pleased you're still around! i'll email you back when this paralysis lets go of me.

    i'm willing to bet that there's something legitimate there in your subconscious choice to call the IP, so listen to it, all right? maybe part of you is ready to not necessarily get better but to make this less part of your life. (also: no one is ever too fat for treatment, never, because this is not about weight)

    LOVE xx x