i somehow managed to only eat 640 cals today

280 of them were m&m's

jesus

although i burned about 475

so around 170 total today

merry christmas all

im so confused and my brain is so money

i want to swear off love for good so i can not have to deal with this

i just hate not knowing what i feel

or who i feel it for

god i just hate everything

i did really badly as of food today

704 cals 31g fat

fuck everything

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so a and i are done for good

i ate an entire bowl of cookie dough earlier

i cant get it up

why cant i ever let myself just be happy

when the fuck will i ever be good enough?

today i didn't touch food until i ate dinner with a

i ate 153 calories worth of chicken

and a 5 graham crackers and 3/4 of a fortune cookie

coming to a grand total of 264 calories

but my fat intake was ridiculous, 9.1g

today was okay

i went to my friend's poetry reading tonight

he did so well

he wrote about luke, and i tried not to bawl my eyes out

i wish i could have a copy of it, because the last two lines are so wonderful

but anyways

i love you guys

and im tired.

time to go to bed.

it had to happen sometime

i cant do well with my eating for this long and not have a binge

fuck christmas parties and all your sweets

but yeah

my roommate is here, so i cant purge or exercise

fucking kill me

i feel disgusting

i need to get rid of this

fuck fuck fuck

good intake day today,

well calories-wise anyway the food itself was junk

everything else was kinda just shit

except for my painting class that is never really shit

but its cold as hell

all i want to do is sleep

sleep sleep sleep

b-0

l-0

d- easy mac, 220, 3g

s- 1/2 oatmeal cookie, 73, 4.1

32 min pilates, -89

total: 204, 7.1g

love, margie

god i hate hunger pains

but thanks to my new best friend the diet pill, my appetite is nonexistant

im nice and alert

i feel on top of the world

but so fat that i might fall right through the floor

and keep falling until i hit that lava

and melt away forever

i just dont get how i could feel so good but so horrible at the same time

im confused.

today i rediscovered the joys of chewing and spitting.

oh. my. god.

i am in heaven(hell)

im just so tired

i can hardly sit or speak

if only i could sleep for the rest of this year

just go back into hibernation

until everything is over

i ate so little, and exercised so much yesterday

im achey and moody

i still have homework to do and i have class in thirty minutes

so much apathy

too much to handle

a and i are taking a break

ten months

ten months

im sorry im crazy

im sorry i cant communicate

im sorry i asked too much of you

im sorry

this is all my fault

so they called. and all they asked me was if i had any questions.

i said i didnt really have any.

crisis averted. thats me for ya, freaking out over nothing like that.

in lighter news, i only ate 430 cals and 8g fat yesterday, and my roommate has been bringing me diet pills. they work like a dream. they don't make me too shaky, but they give me a little pep, and they make me not want to eat. its great.

b-diet coke, 0

l- 3/4 wrap, 1 tsp honey mustard, 208, 4.12g

d- 3/4 hummus sandwich, sugar free jello, 158, 3.75g

s- 4 now and laters, 52.8, .04g

--margie

for some reason two days ago i called an inpatient treatment center

i dont know what came over me

theyre going to call me this afternoon

im too fat for treatment anyways

im gargantuan.

theyll probably just laugh when i say "five feet two inches, one hundred and four pounds"

thats too fat for treatment

i dont know what to do or what to say

i dont want this

i dont want to get better

im not ready to admit defeat

im not ready