more goodness

turns out my scale is wrong

ive weighed myself on a few different other scales, and all of them say the same thing

im not 110, im 103

which means i've lost two pounds

which i know isnt much, but its better than nothing

finally

today i finally did something right

i burned off every single calorie that i ate

plus five

fuck

yes

trapped

i got trapped at eric's last night

because we had a really bad storm and seven trees fell down on the road that he lives on and so did a multitude of power lines some which landed in front of erics driveway and all over the rest of the street and they got sparks everywhere and there were several fires (luckily not at eric's house)

but a tree fell on some guy's brand new car

it was his birthday present

but we stayed inside all night and talked about weird stuff

and i slept on the couch for awhile while eric wrote because the power was out

and every time i'd fall asleep all the way, eric would pull my toes and wake me up

then we got the generator running and we watched a movie

and im still trapped, jsut not at eric's

im trapped inside this giant body that doesnt belong to me

the one that belongs to me is buried under all the wreckage that has built up over the past six months and she's clawing and trying to dig her way out

and im trying to let her but for some reason

i just cant

im so mad because im right about to go work out,

but yesterday i hurt my left foot, and i cant run on it yet, so i wont be able to do cardio,

which makes me really angry.

ugh.

b-peach, 66

l-2 slices french toast, no syrup, 210

d- 1/2 bud light (im so classy), 55

shitty workout: 154 burned

total: 117

overall, it was a very good day.

i cant

seem to stop gaining weight. i've ballooned up to a whopping 110lbs.

i think it could be because i'm stressed, and bored, which equals eating

and i havent been working out like i should

and work has been terrible lately, im sick of having to get up at six thirty almost every morning and then spend my day with screaming children armed with art supplies

and then i get home and just gorge myself cause im tired and hungry and so miserable.

im scared that im going to just just get huge and never be able to get back to how i used to be.

six months

its been six months today since luke died

and i still miss him as badly as i did the second i found out that he was gone

i can still hear his voice like i only saw him yesterday

things have been so weird without him, everything feels so empty

and i keep waiting for him to come back, like he's only on vacation

everyone says that things like this happen for a reason

i havent been able to find one yet

i miss him and i love him still

6 11 91 - 1 16 10

I was doing really well

i havent been able to keep anything up.

im gigantically fat.

Finally Something Good

On Tuesday, I worked out for two hours. I'm still really sore, but I'm going back again today.

My workout plan:

1. Cardio: 30 minutes on the elliptical (2 mi)

2. Core: 15 minutes floor work (planks, bridges, side planks, crunches, push ups)

3. Upper & Lower Body: 15 minutes on different weight machines

4. Cardio: 30 Minutes on the elliptical, 30 minutes on the rowing machine

I'll also be restricting today.

Stuck

im stuck in that really aggravating in-between of "i want to get through this" and "i want to stay wrapped up in the forever."

things have sucked lately. i havent had hardly any human contact outside of my family and A.

i had a pregnancy scare last week and spent my time crying and weighing my options (even though i knew that i really only had one because i couldnt get an abortion, and one look at the baby and i could give it up) but im not pregnant so i dont have to worry about it.

im rambling and confused and dont know what to do with myself and my time.