keep your mouth shut

Yesterday I almost told A everything.

Everything.

The things that everyone knows, but I never tell.

If I tell, that makes them real. That makes them wrong.

I'll never tell.

Never.

Tired

Stressed

Fat

Things Have Been So-So

I've been restricting as much as possible, skipping meals when I can.

I had prom last night. Said I didn't like the pasta, so I ate the vegetables.

Later I binged on butter mints.

Conflicted

I want to be thin again. I want to be light; I want to be nothing. I really do.

I miss my bones protruding, the smooth, sharp curve of my hipbones contrasting with my lumpy, sagging pants. I miss having my knees being the widest part of my leg. I miss having spindle-y arms. I miss being delicate; I miss being fragile.

I don't miss the constant headache. I don't miss the aching joints, the fatigue. I don't miss binging and purging, or chewing and spitting. I don't miss the dizziness. I don't miss having my hair fall out in clumps. I don't miss the prying questions. I don't miss the screaming. I don't miss the crying.

A worries about me. He told me on Saturday how worried he was about me at the beginning of the school year. He notices my thicker hair, my pinker skin, my brighter eyes. He notices when I don't eat too. And he makes me. He tells me I'm beautiful, even though I don't believe it. He tells me that I'm wonderful, even though I don't believe it.

He notices my struggle with it now, and tries to pull me into safety, even though that isn't where I want to be. He says he doesn't want me to fall back in. I want to dive. But I can't bring myself to make the jump.

Well Hello Fatty

So I tried putting on my favorite pair of shorts from last summer (which were a touch big) this morning.

They wouldn't zip.

Today actually turned out wonderfully

We didn't even go to the mall. Which was nice. I got to meet A's step father today, who's been absentee for the past three months. He took A and I to men's warehouse so A could rent his tux for prom. He's kind of a dick. He's the only member of his family that I don't care for, the rest of them are absolutely wonderful. Especially his mom. She's one of the strongest women that I know, and she's incredibly sweet. We brought A's six-year-old brother along, who's the cutest, loudest most hyperactive thing on this planet. He'd be like, "Margaret? When is A gonna be done getting his tuck-zeedos?" I think he might have stolen a cuff link though. He claims to have found it outside, but I'm not too sure.

I fell asleep curled up with A today, which is kind of an accomplishment, in a sense. After Him, I've never really been at ease with myself enough to fall asleep with my boyfriends, but I guess I'm just really comfortable with A. He woke me up for about a second because his phone rang and he moved to turn it off (I have no recollection of this) and apparently was like, "fuck you bitch, I was comfortable" He thought it was cute.

I ate way too fucking much today, but other than that, today was awesome.

Worry

Going shopping with the boyfriend today. Lately shopping has been a nightmarish thing for me. I've gone almost a size up- nearly a size two. What my mother nor my boyfriend seem to be able to understand is that only a few months ago a size zero was two big, and now I'm having to squeeze in to one. Last time I went shopping, it ended in a crying breakdown in a changing room, a disgruntled Margaret, and a worried mother. I don't want to worry A. I already do that enough. He doesn't need any more shit to worry about. Honestly. Wish me luck.

Busy to a whole new level.

I've been so unbelievably busy this week. I have loads upon loads of make up work to do in my art classes. So much that I can hardly even begin to wrap my head around. ARGH.

Breathe, Margie. Breathe.