Apparently I have Crohn's Disease. And a whole slew of new prescriptions.

so tests came back this morning. both of the infections (the curable ones) came back negative. my doctor asked me to weigh myself everyday in the morning. i've lost about six pounds in the past few days. and for the first time in nearly two years, im not happy about it. im so angry at myself. and im in so much pain. i just dont know what to do.

so ive been having lots of really bad medical issues with my gi sytem lately.

and i'm really angry with myself, because i know that i probably did this to myself. everything that i might have (aside from two infections that are a possibilty, but are less likely than the others, but im hoping for the best) is really serious, doesn't have a cure and requires an incredibly restrictive diet. so it's like my punishment for extreme dieting? more dieting. for the rest of my life. well shit.

roommate and i are going on a diet together.

her dads a weight loss specialist.

FUCK.

YEAH.

why can't this be as easy as it used to be?

due to my constant monitoring, i haven't been able to restrict.

i got so mad at a the other night because i can feel everyone watching me eat.

on top of that, i've been having horrible digestive problems for the past few months. i talked to a about it, and he said sweetly, "it's probably from starving yourself for such a long time, baby"

i don't want to agree with him, but i know he's right. i hate it when they're right.

i just can't seem to get to that happy place, where i'm restricting and small and beautiful, or when im enormous and fat and eating all the time, but i don't mind it.

i'm still stuck in the middle. the ugly, fat, sticky middle.