So Far

My ToDo list is only halfway getting done. I'm working more, and trying my best not to smoke more, but not very successfully, so I'm smoking more, which is bad. But what's worse is that I'm only eating a little less. And I binged yesterday, dammit. If anyone has anywords of wisdom, they'd be greatly appreciated.

To Do.

• Eat less.
• Smoke more.
• Work more.
• Exercise more.
• Lose weight.
• Get thin.

Everything Is Turning into Shit

Someone told me that I didn't look "disgustingly skinny" like I did before the break.
I have got to stop eating. Christ.

Le Fardeau.

I hate it when Eric gets into my business about eating. We were eating lunch together today, and I was doing really well. I was perfectly content with my veggie burger patty and my pretty little salad. That is, until a girl sat down near us with a veggie burger and curly fries, my arch nemesis. That's when the shit hit the fan, and it only took one sentence: God, those fries look good. Then Eric looked up at me and said, "Then get some." I insisted that I was okay, I was too lazy to get up, and finally, I accidentally said that my fat ass doesn't need them. Eric gave me one of those oh-god-dont-be-getting-into-this-shit-again-now-youve-given-me-right-to-be-suspicious looks. That's when he got up and got them for me, put them down in front of me and waited for me to eat. And naturally, as soon as I started I couldn't stop.
In a way, I feel like a terrible person for being angry, because I know that I really do worry him with my eating, and with his dad being so sick now, I don't want him to have to have another thing to worry about. I feel like I'm such a burden sometimes, to my family and my friends. I hate doing this to them, and I wish I didn't worry them and hurt them with this, but I can't stop. I won't stop.

I Hate Goodbyes and Hospitals.

I really, really hate them. Everyone says theyre going to visit soon, I hope they will. I'm getting lunch with W for his birthday today. It's Eric's birthday today too.
His dad was admitted to the hospital last night because he ruptured an artery in his stomach. We're all so worried. His dad is like a second dad to me. I talked to Eric on the phone earlier today, and he sounded really upset. I hope for Eric and his mom that he'll be okay. I just keep telling myself he's going to be.

That Was Embarrassing.

Just disregard that last post, I'll be sitting in my own self-loathing and dissapointment feeling like absolut (get it? It's a pun! Oh, I just crack myself up.) poo.

2010.

It's weird. Things are getting better, I must say. I leave the day after tomorrow, so I can restrict again. I have a guy who seems to care about me, something I thought was impossible. But I still can't seem to get myself happy.
Anise- I saw Him at Subway on New Year's eve, while I was getting dinner with W. And for the first time in a really long time, I didn't want to run, or cry. It was weird. And he said hello to me, and smiled, of all things. He acted like I was a person. Which was also weird. Maybe I;m the weird one, not him. Oh well.
I stayed sober last night, which was a small miracle. I was kind of like the drunk man wrangler, keeping all those silly boys in line. I will never understand why men prefer to pee in bushes when they're fifteen feet away from a real bathroom. I think it's gross.
I really don't have much else to say.
Happy New Year lovelies.
Love you always,
Margie.