i somehow managed to only eat 640 cals today

280 of them were m&m's

jesus

although i burned about 475

so around 170 total today

merry christmas all

im so confused and my brain is so money

i want to swear off love for good so i can not have to deal with this

i just hate not knowing what i feel

or who i feel it for

god i just hate everything

i did really badly as of food today

704 cals 31g fat

fuck everything

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so a and i are done for good

i ate an entire bowl of cookie dough earlier

i cant get it up

why cant i ever let myself just be happy

when the fuck will i ever be good enough?

today i didn't touch food until i ate dinner with a

i ate 153 calories worth of chicken

and a 5 graham crackers and 3/4 of a fortune cookie

coming to a grand total of 264 calories

but my fat intake was ridiculous, 9.1g

today was okay

i went to my friend's poetry reading tonight

he did so well

he wrote about luke, and i tried not to bawl my eyes out

i wish i could have a copy of it, because the last two lines are so wonderful

but anyways

i love you guys

and im tired.

time to go to bed.

it had to happen sometime

i cant do well with my eating for this long and not have a binge

fuck christmas parties and all your sweets

but yeah

my roommate is here, so i cant purge or exercise

fucking kill me

i feel disgusting

i need to get rid of this

fuck fuck fuck

good intake day today,

well calories-wise anyway the food itself was junk

everything else was kinda just shit

except for my painting class that is never really shit

but its cold as hell

all i want to do is sleep

sleep sleep sleep

b-0

l-0

d- easy mac, 220, 3g

s- 1/2 oatmeal cookie, 73, 4.1

32 min pilates, -89

total: 204, 7.1g

love, margie

god i hate hunger pains

but thanks to my new best friend the diet pill, my appetite is nonexistant

im nice and alert

i feel on top of the world

but so fat that i might fall right through the floor

and keep falling until i hit that lava

and melt away forever

i just dont get how i could feel so good but so horrible at the same time

im confused.

today i rediscovered the joys of chewing and spitting.

oh. my. god.

i am in heaven(hell)

im just so tired

i can hardly sit or speak

if only i could sleep for the rest of this year

just go back into hibernation

until everything is over

i ate so little, and exercised so much yesterday

im achey and moody

i still have homework to do and i have class in thirty minutes

so much apathy

too much to handle

a and i are taking a break

ten months

ten months

im sorry im crazy

im sorry i cant communicate

im sorry i asked too much of you

im sorry

this is all my fault

so they called. and all they asked me was if i had any questions.

i said i didnt really have any.

crisis averted. thats me for ya, freaking out over nothing like that.

in lighter news, i only ate 430 cals and 8g fat yesterday, and my roommate has been bringing me diet pills. they work like a dream. they don't make me too shaky, but they give me a little pep, and they make me not want to eat. its great.

b-diet coke, 0

l- 3/4 wrap, 1 tsp honey mustard, 208, 4.12g

d- 3/4 hummus sandwich, sugar free jello, 158, 3.75g

s- 4 now and laters, 52.8, .04g

--margie

for some reason two days ago i called an inpatient treatment center

i dont know what came over me

theyre going to call me this afternoon

im too fat for treatment anyways

im gargantuan.

theyll probably just laugh when i say "five feet two inches, one hundred and four pounds"

thats too fat for treatment

i dont know what to do or what to say

i dont want this

i dont want to get better

im not ready to admit defeat

im not ready

how are people planning to not blow up today?

i hate thanksgiving.

i hate food.

i havent been able to write in so long it feels like

that damn school internet block blocks my blog for some reason.

ive been so in between things

same as ever

i just want to be back fully stuck in my ways

starving and cold and cranky

i just want to be thin again

i have completely fucked up my metabolism. its like non existent.

i realized that even on a regular day, i only eat about 1250 calories a day. that's basically what i have eat to keep a consistant weight. drives me crazy.

but one thing i am finding is that there is no better thinspo than looking at pictures of youself when you were thin.

love,

margie

fuck binges

i've been doing okay, sunday i had 1100 calories, but i worked out and burned 200.

yesterday i cut back to 750, and went 50 over. hopfeully today i'll be able to stay well under 750. but so far, so good.

wish me luck.

margie.